About five years ago, the summer before my senior year in college, I set out yet again to lose the weight. Like every other time, this was it, I had enough, I was finally going to get it together.
Well. We know how that turned out, don’t we?
In an attempt to motivate myself at that time, I put together a list of all the reasons why I wanted to lose the weight. It included everything from the very superficial, to a few that actually surprised me.
I’ve come across this list a few time over the years, and every time I re-read it it’s an emotional few minutes. And then I file it away and vow to be healthier. When I stumbled on it again the other day, I was amazed at how little and how much my life has changed since I put this list together on August 7, 2006. Re-reading it now brings back so many painful memories from what was a pretty painful time in my life. And it reminds me there’s no looking back. I can’t still be here five years from now, glancing over the cramped writing and crinkled paper, waiting to fulfill every single damn thing on this list.
Here are my uncut and uncensored reasons why:
To be me, the real me.
To fall in real love.
To get married and have babies.
To be around to raise my children…nieces and nephews…grandchildren.
To fit in chairs, airport seats, those white plastic patio chairs, amusement park rides, etc.
To fit into “normal” clothes and shop where I want.
To not be the fat friend, the safety net.
To not have to hide or cut out the size tag on my clothes.
To not have to wear Spanx in order to look remotely decent.
To wear sexy lingerie.
To work out in sports bras and tank tops.
For my health, to be fit and in shape.
For my desire to have a future beyond what I am now (nothing!).
To be able to wear the ring I got for my sixteenth birthday.
To fit into normal sized jewelry.
To always take the stairs.
To not have to drive across campus.
To not have to feel this way, constantly.
To like what I see.
To want to go out with my friends again.
To not have it always be the first thing on my mind in every situation.
To be the tall, pretty, bombshell blonde, the total package.
To never have to make lists like this every again.
To not have to worry about anything hanging out, to let my clothes just be and not have to always adjust.
To not sweat so much.
To not worry if I’m about to humiliate myself.
To travel and not worry about my capability to do so.
To live and be confident.
To escape this depression and obsession once and for all.
To be free.
To sell/donate every single piece of clothing I own–how liberating!
To lay on an air mattress on the lake and not be self-conscious/sink 🙂
To lay out in the sun, in my bathing suit, and be confident.
To not feel like a total embarrassment/disappointment to my family.
To like me. To love me.
To have complete and total faith and confidence in myself and my abilities.
To fulfill all my dreams.
To not have to settle at any level, to any degree.
To not want to just stop living anymore.
To go sky diving and bungee jumping.
To wear a swimsuit that doesn’t look awful on me.
To not be so aware of the space I’m consuming in social situations.
To wear tank tops and halter tops (with no bra).
To wear shorts and anything cut above my knees.
To wear kick ass boots.
To wear girlie shoes that my feet don’t hang over the sides of.
For the man of my dreams.
To be someone’s everything instead of just another or nothing at all.