What a day, what a day…
Yesterday started by hitting ‘publish’ on what was probably the most honest and challenging post I’ve written. I was nervous about the reaction but I was happily overwhelmed by all the love and positivity I received–emails, tweets, texts, and all your lovely comments here on the blog. Not going to lie, more than one brought me to tears 🙂 I was feeling the love!
Then the morning turned…interesting. Is that the right word, “interesting”? I don’t know. I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor to discuss the results of the tests I had done last week. It’s been exhaustingly documented here and on my Twitter–I’ve been plateaued now for, what, like six months? More? Obnoxious. I’ve been (for the most part) busting my ass to lose this damn weight and…nothing. But doctor after doctor told me, “oh, just stick with it. It’ll happen when your body is ready.” I call bullshit.
Last week I finally got an appointment with a doctor I trust and knew would take action. Among other things, I shared with her my emotional meltdowns, anxiety attacks, random breakouts (a pimple on my knee? On my nipple? Overshare, but YEP!) that were all tied to my monthly friend/archenemy. I told her about the hypothyroidism that I’ve had since I was eight (a condition where your thyroid punks out, doesn’t work, puts you on meds for the rest of your life, and makes it a bitch to lose weight/function). And when I finished spewing all that on her, she didn’t tell me to buck up. She ordered a battery of blood work and told me we’d get this straightened out asap.
Finally! That’s what I want to hear!
Dr. Awesome mentioned that she thought it might be PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and/or Hashimoto’s disease, both fairly common problems that, among other things, affect your hormone levels and–here’s the fun part–really eff with your weight.
No! That’s not what I want to hear!
The blood work confirmed it today: I’ve got PCOS and Hashimoto’s. I’ve started a new medication, I had more blood work done, and I’ve got a slew of appointments: with my dietician to review my numbers, with Dr. Awesome to check-in on my progress, and twice daily dates with my BF, Gym. I’ve missed that hottie! 🙂
So I’ve finally got my answers–hopefully. It’s been an emotional day. I start to cry, like, every five minutes. I haven’t been able to focus. I’m happy to have a possible solution to this problem, but at the same time…I’m really, really scared. And really, really angry.
I’m angry that I waited this long to lose weight, waited this long to find a solution to why I’ve stopped, waited this long to fix my damn life. And I’m scared that all of it is going to be for nothing. That no matter how much work I put in, it’s not going to be enough. That my body is just not going to respond. That it’s too late.
But I’m not going to stop. Because, what’s the alternative? Continue to be miserable? No thanks. I’m used to having to struggle to be happy, confident, proud, loving towards myself. So I guess that’s what I’ll continue to do. Until I finally am and do.
That’s what making a life is all about, right?