Sick

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted–I’ve been seriously slacking. I’ve been trying to find balance in this life–how I maintain this weight loss goal/journey/etc while not becoming obsessive and spending time and energy on other people and projects. I’ve also been extremely discouraged about the whole weight loss thing. It’s been well documented on this blog and elsewhere in my overly connected, social media filled world that I’ve been struggling with my weight loss for awhile now. I’ve been stuck in so many ways. It’s all I ever talk about and really all I think about.

I received a comment from a “friend” recently that pushed me a bit too far and I snapped.

I realized that I’m so sick of all this. Of everything.

I’m sick of people commenting and offering unsolicited well-meaning opinions and advice on a topic they’ve never had to deal with.

I’m sick of having to deal with all of this.

I’m sick of worrying whether I’m too late, of whether this will all actually eventually work out.

I’m sick of not making any progress on the scale.

I’m sick of the mood swings, hives, and tummy problems that come with my new medication for PCOS.

I’m sick of my body not responding. To anything, to everything.

I’m sick of having to try something new every day to see how it will or will not effect my body.

I’m sick of not being happy.

I’m sick of being in between clothes sizes.

I’m sick of being fat and out of shape.

I’m sick of having to try so damn hard.

I’m sick of half-assing everything in life.

I’m sick of this weather.

I’m sick of my routine…day after day after day after…

I’m sick of binging in response to a lack of progress.

I’m sick of sharing my failures and struggles with the world.

I’m sick of feeling accountable.

I’m sick of letting everyone down.

I’m sick of letting me down.

I’m sick of still being exactly where I was over six months ago—literally and figuratively.

I’m so sick of it all.

Again, I’m so appreciative for this blog and the response it receives—I’m so glad to be an inspiration to so many people. But these days, I’m not feeling like much of an inspiration to myself. This all feels so cumbersome, so discouraging. I need to refocus on me and why I’m truly doing this. I’m not here to build a website where I receive free stuff and make an income. I’m not here to gain new Twitter followers or up my unique pageviews. I’m not here to feel bad about myself as I scroll through my Twitter and Instagram feeds, catching snapshots of other people’s constant progress.

No. I’m here to make my life. I’m here to put myself first. I’m here to build a future for myself. I’m here to break out of this small little box I’ve packed myself into. I’m here to fix me.

And I need to remember that, above all else.

So while I am eternally grateful for all the support and advice I’ve been receiving especially lately, I’m going to be paying less attention to all the white noise around me, put my head down and focus. Work on me. Do what I need to do for me. I’ll still be blogging regularly and on social media as I can tolerate it, but…it’s a distraction. And I’m in the business of eliminating distraction from me life. I need to get back to meal prep and planning, two-a-day workouts, spending time not thinking just doing, being with friends, finding balance in it all…and if the Minnesota weather cooperates, spending copious amounts of time soaking in the sunshine, vitamin D and happiness.

3 thoughts on “Sick

  1. I hear you. Thank you for posting this. I’ve been slacking too, really, in logging things and checking in. I’ve moved and now have injured my knee and am forced to rest.

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