Well, This Is Weird

Something weird is happening, you guys…

In between all the craziness of this season, all compounded by the fact that I’m in the process of moving, I’ve been reflecting on 2013 and starting to focus my energy on 2014. I’ve mentioned it throughout the year that, while the weight loss things hasn’t so much been happening, in 2013 my mental shift has been astounding. And never has that been more evident than over the past few days.

Everyone knows that when the holidays pop up each year, all single people are simultaneously supposed to fall into a deep, dark depression because they are so sad and lonely and all coupled people are so nauseatingly in love and complete. That’s how I’ve always felt, anyway. Christmas has always been a bittersweet affair: I feel incredibly blessed and lucky to spend so much fun, quality time with my amazing family. But then Love Actually comes on TV and I feel oh so alone and hopeless. I’ll never have love like that, I think. I’ll always be alone.

Somehow, this year, things are different. I feel hopeful. I feel like 2014 is going to be a monumental, life-changing, best ever kind of year. Maybe it’s the whole new calendar year thing, maybe it’s because I’ve seen myself change so dramatically on this journey, so I know all hope is not lost. Or maybe, nearing 30, I’m finally moving out of my arrested development and growing up. Whatever it is, I like it.

Two of my team members received promotions at work this week. Normally this would send me into a tailspin of binging, sleeping, and more binging. But this time, I felt sorry for myself for about two minutes and then I went along with my day. I told myself this is purely motivation to keep kicking ass at my job–I am doing a good job, I’ve been told so repeatedly. It’s just not my time right now. And that’s okay. 

Yesterday, an old friend announced she was pregnant. And then my cousin announced her engagement. Again, old Manda Kay would tailspin. Like, big time. I’m deeply embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve never really felt happy for anyone else’s success. I’ve always operated from a place of jealousy–why not me? But yesterday I was genuinely excited for another human being. It’s a very odd feeling, but a good one.

I spent this morning talking with my beautiful, newly engaged cousin, and I realized that I am truly, honestly, so excited for her and her new fiance. I can’t stop smiling about it even as I write this. For the first time in my entire life, really, I don’t feel jealous of someone else’s success because I believe deep down that I will find the same thing some day. I just feel happy.

You get what you give. You can’t feed the Universe jealousy and anger day after day and expect love and happiness in return. Love begets love. 

More than ever, I am so looking forward to the new year, to seeing what the Universe has in store for me and what I can help create, to continue building this crazy beautiful life. My time is coming, this I know.

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