Here is what I know to be true: weight loss is mental journey, not a physical destination.
I have long desired a boyfriend. A partner, a significant other, my soulmate, the dude I would grow old and have babies with. But as much as I wanted that presence in my life, I never allowed myself to pursue it or even entertain the thought of its possibility.
I literally have not had any sort of confidence or self-esteem to speak of for years and years. I didn’t want to be noticeably and embarrassingly bigger than my man. I wouldn’t be comfortable with him touching me—the thought of someone wrapping their arms around me brought forth nothing but thoughts of how unattractive, unappealing, unsexy I perceived the action (and myself) to be. And the looks and whispers we would get from others? Plus, side note, the kind of man that found me attractive at my heavier weight was not someone I wanted to be associated with: I have impossibly high standards that I’m not willing to compromise, and, being totally honest, my experience at that weight with men boiled down to being wanted for one thing and one thing only. And let’s get this straight right now: I am no one’s guilty pleasure; I am no one’s secret.
Even now, though, as I receive more and more positive feedback, smiles, and compliments from men, as I’m coming into myself, holding my head high, and contemplating really putting myself out there to seriously pursue this love thing…it’s hard to shake that mindset. That idea that I’m not worthy, that I’m disgusting, that no one would want to touch me, hold me, be with me, love me. I’m still bigger than the great, great majority of people; I’m still, by society’s standards, unattractive and unacceptable.
But do you put off living your life, pursuing your greatest hopes and ambitions because you’re not yet at some magical number? Do you continue to wait for your life to begin while you toil away after some elusive number?
Or do you gather up all the bits and pieces of confidence, courage, boldness, and bravery you’ve slowly been collecting on this journey and take the damn leap anyway? Once you (mostly) stop caring about the opinions and judgments of others, once you (mostly) make peace with your body as is…shouldn’t that be enough?
The answer, as I’m slowly coming to find out after a long 29 years, is a resounding yes.
Everyone else be dammed, you’re here to live your life. You are worthy. You are attractive. And if someone else doesn’t see life that way, if they’re too wrapped up in the numbers, the goal weights, the physicality of it all…then screw them. Move on.
Life in general is a mental journey, not a physical destination.
And I know the purpose for this part of my journey. I’m here to live love. To risk and dare. To share my happy. To find my lifelong sidekick. And look damn good doing it all.