Whole30 Update 1: No Judgment Needed

They say on Day 4 of Whole30 that you will want to kill all of the things. And while I haven’t really been experiencing that today, there were two moments where I felt a little less than my usual sunshiney self:

1. I wanted to punch colleagues in their faces for daring to eat a piece of whole wheat toast–with jam!–in my presence at breakfast this morning.

2. I desperately tried to hold back my impulse to scream when asked why I’m even trying this new horrible “diet”.

The anger…well, it comes and goes, friends.

But, irrational, carb-deprived brain or no, I do want to clear something up here: Whole30 is not a diet. This is not some quick fix. It is not a cleanse. I’m not doing it to lose weight or inches. I’m not paying giant sums of money to learn common sense “diet” knowledge (Eat right! Exercise!).

I am doing Whole30, like so many other people, to reset and realign my relationship with food. I have an eating disorder. A food addiction. I can’t just walk away from that bag of tortilla chips or stack of cookies. Given the chance, I will eat. All. The. Food. So, no, this is not a diet.

In doing this challenge for 30 days, I’m hoping my trigger-food cravings will diminish. I’ve been out of control for the past two months, so I’m viewing this as a way to reign in the healthy lifestyle I’ve worked so hard on for the past two years. A way for me to remember just how important this journey is to me. A way to remember how good I can be at living healthfully. But no, this is not a diet.

After the 30 days is up, will I add back the foods I’ve eliminated? Maybe. Will I ever have toast, a vodka tonic, or artificial creamer in my coffee again? Probably. It all depends on how I feel (not look) at the end of these 30 days. And while this has been an extremely difficult week, where all I think about is this damn challenge…and fried chicken…and ice cream…I feel fricking great. I don’t care if it’s some early-phase, purely psychological thing–I feel great.

30 days. No carbs, grains, alcohol, added sugars, dairy. Focus on whole, unprocessed foods. Try new recipes, new foods, new creations. Grab ahold of my life again.

So not a diet.

4 thoughts on “Whole30 Update 1: No Judgment Needed

  1. Hi Amanda. I’ve been meaning to respond to one of these or send you a message on Facebook. I’ve been following your journey for quite a while. I decided to respond to this one because I’ve just starting my eating disorder treatment journey at the Emily Program and wanted to let you know how empowering it is to see you name your eating disorder for what it is. Thank you and I wish you the best in your journey!!!

  2. Hi Amanda. Just tried to reply but I think it got lost. Damn iPhone! Anyway, I’ve been following your journey for a while and have been meaning to reply or contact you on Facebook. I decided to reply to this entry because I’ve just started my road to recovery from an eating disorder at the Emily Program. It was so empowering to see you name your disordered eating for what it is, a disease. Thank you do much for that. I wish you the best if luck on your journey!!!

  3. Pingback: Whole30 Update 2: Blergh | Manda Kay Makes It

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