Whole30 Update 3: Clicking Along

Today is day 11 of 30. Also known, according to the experts, as the day where everyone quits. Apparently, the Whole30 timeline claims that days 10 and 11 are the days where you are most likely to drop the program: you’re bored, you’re resentful, you miss your old pal peanut butter. (That’s not just me, right?)

But there’s none of that here! For me, the cravings are (mostly) gone, I feel great, I look better, I think my fingernails are stronger, my workouts are feeling more powerful, I’m down 17 pounds since Valentine’s Day, and I’m kicking myself for not taking measurements at the start because I am definitely losing serious inches. People have been telling me how great I’m looking and I can feel and see the difference. The only small negatives I’ve noticed are I seem to be more prone to cramping and dizziness during workouts (weird, since I think I’m getting plenty of potassium and sodium, and I know I’m getting enough water), I’ve been getting crazy ridiculous heartburn, and I rarely have an appetite anymore.
IMG_20140226_203323I also have my first big social test this weekend: a family wedding. Plenty of booze, plenty of bad food. And cake. Oh, cake…I’ve made plans to bring my own compliant snacks to eat in the car between the ceremony and reception, as well as my own meal to sneak out and eat while everyone else is enjoying theirs. I also have to try and avoid my grandmother’s sinful cooking all weekend. A true test, indeed.

All in all, I’m a big fan of this Whole30. Fingers are crossed that it will be the force that finally helps me push past this truly ridiculous plateau I’ve been stuck in—I’ve been stuck at and above 313 pounds on the scale since…I don’t even know when, and I’m so close to pushing past it now. I don’t know how accurate this assessment is, but I really think that it is the gluten elimination that’s been helping me. A lot of information out there says that those who have thyroid issues and PCOS also have trouble losing weight, and what sometimes kick starts the weight loss is going gluten-free. So gluten is probably something I’ll continue to avoid after my 30 days are up.

Beyond gluten, and I may regret saying this—who knows what the next few weeks will bring—I can see myself living a slightly modified, less rigid version of Whole30 for the duration. Maybe forever. I don’t miss sugar. I only sort of miss my coffee creamer. I can’t decide how I feel about eliminating my Greek yogurt, but I do know that if it comes back into my life, I probably will never again buy any sort of flavored yogurt—too much sugar!

Even though I know I’ve done it before, and I may at some point do it again, it’s hard to imagine going back to a lifestyle that wasn’t helping me. Yes, I lost about 70 pounds eating tortilla chips, endless breakfasts of peanut butter toast, straight sugar and cream in my coffee…but then it stopped working. For a long time. So if this adapted lifestyle plan can help break bad habits, eliminate my triggers, provide results, and keep me on course to becoming my best me? Then I’m going to keep going.  I’m worth the time and effort, this much I know.

Reboot

The first few weeks of 2014 have been…bumpy? Nothing’s really gone according to plan, but surprisingly, I haven’t been sucked into the usually funk I experience when things don’t go accordingly to masterfully designed plan. So that’s something, I guess. Workouts, proper eating, water intake, sleep—all have been sporadic at best. I blame moving, a busy schedule, increased expectations at work…and my own laziness, of course.

I was originally supposed to be out of town this weekend to engage in some bachelorette shenanigans, but I’ve made a conscious decision to tap the brakes a bit here and—for lack of a better way of phrasing this—get my shit together. I need to be the good kind of selfish and practice a little self-love this Valentine’s weekend. So here is my full-proof, two-day plan to Get Your Shit Back Together:

1. Sleep, Hydrate, Move
This seems pretty self-explanatory, but I’m going to spend some serious time sleeping in my oh-so-cozy, newly furnished bedroom, drinking my weight in water instead of alcohol, and finally enjoying this awful winter we’ve been having—I’ve got plans to go cross-country skiing and snowshoeing! And then, let’s be real, I’ll probably spend the rest of the weekend immobile, since I’ll be so sore from the wintery workouts.

2. Eat All The (Good) Food
A few days (or maybe weeks?) ago, I mentioned on my Instagram that I was going to attempt Whole30: 30 days of eating “whole” foods—veggies, certain fruits, lean proteins…and that’s really it. I’ll be sharing more about my experiences with the program, obviously, but this means none of my beloved peanut butter, no bread, no creamer in my coffee for a whole month. Sounds awful, right? I was originally putting it off until March, since I had the aforementioned bachelorette party this weekend and a wedding in early March. But it has become increasingly obvious that I need to reign in my eating ASAP—it’s becoming somewhat of a problem again (oh, hello eating disorder! Nice to see your ugly face again! Not! Hahaha). 

So Whole 30. Starting this weekend. Send spinach and pray for me. Or, rather, pray for my family, friends, and co-workers having to deal with me in this state for a whole month.

3. Loving Love
Earlier this week, my roommate and I stayed up way past our bed times (read: past 9:00pm!) discussing what we’re going to put in our online dating profiles when we join up. Boys like Disney movie marathons, discussions about the Universe, and dissecting Beyonce’s Instagram feed, right?

This is the weekend I bite the so-called bullet, though. I’m going to do it: I’m going to actively put myself out there and try to wipe the perma-bitch look from my face, and I’m signing up for online dating. Again, send spinach (what?!) and pray for me.

It’s time to settle in and get serious again. So, let’s regroup and hit restart on this year. It’s going to be a big one: earth-shattering, core-shaking, life-changing. I can feel it!

So Good

I’m frightened to admit this. I don’t want to jinx anything or be a Negative Nancy. But…

Life is really good right now.

I seem to be striking a rare balance in all aspects of my life—career, personal, wellness, financial, etc—and that rarely, if ever, happens. I just eel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, as history as shown always happens whenever I’m feeling this great. But for now, let’s focus on the positive in the hopes that putting good energy out will bring good energy back in. Shall we?

Home: Next month, I’ll be moving to a new home. I’m staying in my same city and literally moving about 500 feet from my current place, but I’m moving nonetheless! I’m picking out paint colors, brainstorming design ideas, and purging my useless stuff. My last day in my current place is December 31–which, if you think about it, is a neat sort of coincidence: starting a brand new year in a brand new home, closing the door on this five-year long chapter of my life that was full of destructive, unhealthy behavior…this move is going to be so, so good.

Work: My job is going super well—a huge accomplishment for me. While I still loathe the idea of actually having a 9 to 5 (I just want to be a stay at home mom, shop, cook, clean, and workout…or be Ina Garten), I love what I’m doing right now: I get to write, be creative, spend time thinking and planning, maintain a flexible schedule, and, best of all, once I leave work, it’s done. I don’t carry any of it home with me, physically or emotionally. It’s a beautiful existence.

Health: I’m fully recovered from my late summer slide. Mentally, I feel strong. Physically, I’m getting there. I’m back into my group classes at the gym, and in an effort to run more, I’ve started running a mile or so before each class as a warm-up. Not only does it help me get loose and ready for class, but, hey, guess what? Running is getting easier! I’m also back into my yoga practice, which makes my soul super happy. I’m going twice a week and looking at visiting a new studio for even more goodness.

Social: My social calendar is packed through the end of the year with tons of fun stuff (Weddings! Family time! Concerts! Holiday parties!), so basically, you guys, I’m firing on all cylinders. And it feels amazing. And I don’t want it to end. I’m just going to continue working hard, expressing gratitude to the Universe and any other forces at work in my life right now, and smiling.

Always smiling. Lots of smiles 🙂

A Bunch of Big Losers

Lately I’ve become a big fan of silver linings. Trying to find the good to cling to in any bad situation is so, so important–you have to remain positive no matter what is thrown at you. You just have to. Look for lessons in the negative, appreciate the sun shining on your face when saying goodbye to a loved one, savor the motion of putting one foot literally in front of the other when running a 5K. Seek out what you can gain when you lose.
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As I mentioned earlier, some of my family members and I traveled over to Wisconsin this weekend to run the Biggest Loser Run Walk. My aunts, my mom, and a couple of my cousins and I met up for a little fun on Saturday before the race on Sunday. We popped over for packet pick-up…and we are nothing if not classy ladylike ladies while out in public…20131020_10501420131019_14510820131019_150209While there, we also got the chance to meet a few of the Biggest Loser alums. I don’t really know much about them, but one of them called me beautiful. And that’s always nice to hear 🙂
2013-10-19_14.59.31Naturally, the next stop on our whirlwind Wisconsin tour was the mall. There, we proceeded to continue our ladylike ladies streak by indulging in much needed massages. Well, kind of…
20131019_17551720131019_175246Chair massages for everyone!

After a scrumptious steak dinner, we said goodbye to my mom (who, sadly, couldn’t join us for the race) and headed back to the hotel for a few more laughs before turning in early. Seriously, I so enjoy spending time with these girls. It’s been pretty amazing to see how close we’ve all become since my grandpa passed away earlier this fall.

Race day dawned with gray skies, freezing cold temps (literally), and an on and off drizzle. Brrr…We had a half-mile uphill hike to the starting line and then, solely to stay warm (haha) we proceeded to have a dance party (amidst the crowd of almost 4,000!) while waiting for our chance to run. Like you do.

20131020_083621And then run we did! As always, I was neurotic and anxious. I’ve thrown up after my two previous races, I haven’t been running consistently, I was running the race in mostly new shoes, I haven’t done a cold weather run in awhile…on and on. You know, my typical neuroses. Oh, and side note: I really have to work on stopping that negative self- talk, too. I’m not sure why that’s started up again, but enough is enough.
IMG_1625I felt okay during my run. I was all stuffed-up-runny-nose-coughing-up-a-lung throughout, and my hips were sore, but overall I felt okay. Then the hills started. Nothing too outrageous, though, at least not until we reached the last half-mile or so. We had to run up the hill we’d walked up on our way to the starting line. It was rough, I tell you!
IMG_1626But as I rounded the last little bit and saw my aunt cheering me on–I smiled. And when I saw my cousins yelling at me to get going–I smiled. And then I finally crossed the damn finish line and saw my other aunt–and I smiled even bigger and teared up a bit. I finished, I didn’t throw up and I PR’ed. So proud.

By the way–this is amazing–I initially thought I had cut 30 seconds from my time, but I just checked Sunday’s official results against the results from the WRTC run last month, and I actually cut one minute twenty seconds. YOU GUYS! I’m blown away by that! My cousins and aunts also did amazing, all of them placing in the top 10 of their age groups. So, basically Team Manda Kay rocked it big time 🙂
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This weekend felt like exactly what I needed to get my lazy, mopey butt back on track. I feel rejuvenated and re-motivated. Focused.

In life, when you lose–weight, your loved ones, emotional baggage–look for the upside and realize how much you gain.

Another Day, Another 5K

I’ve been putting off the writing of this post for way too long. Why? Well, I haven’t felt like writing. At all. And I never want this blog to feel forced–this precious little piece of the Interwebs is only meant for me. And you. But mostly for me. I want this space to be nothing but pure honesty for both you and me. Ok?

That’s why it’s been so difficult to write this post about another 5K that I’m going into half-assedly. I’ll spare you all the whiny over-analyzing (I’ve been doing plenty of that over on the Twitter and the Insta, and I’m sorry) and just tell you this:

  1. I don’t want to run this race. Not one bit.
  2. I’m so tired of wasting money and energy on these races that I still can’t complete properly.
  3. Along with this (warranted) awful funk I’ve been in lately, numbers 1 and 2 above have me all jumbled up in the head, completely de-motivating me and turning me into a ball of mush that wants to do nothing but cozy up in bed.

But come Sunday morning, despite the potential wintery mix and freezing temperatures we’re expected to receive, I’ll be in Wisconsin participating in the Biggest Loser Run/Walk! Like with any other race, I’m nervous. We all know I’ve not been progressing my attempt to force this 300+ lb. body to run. But given that it’s a Biggest Loser race, I know I won’t be the slowest, most out of shape person there (something I’m selfishly always terrified of), and I’m betting that the atmosphere will be pretty darn inspiring and motivating. I’m kinda looking forward to the race just for that.

Plus, two of my aunts and cousins are actually going to make the trek over there with me and do the race, too, and Mama Ruthie’s going to make an appearance at some point. Pretty awesome, right?
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And that’s what I’m clinging to right now: I have the support of so many amazing people. I can’t let them down. I can’t let me down. And I have no intention of doing other. But it’s time to get my ish back together, suck it up, and start making everyone (myself included) proud once again. And that starts with this race, with every step I take.

See y’all on the other side! Looking forward to sharing the race experience with you…and really looking forward to things getting back to normal around these parts very, very soon!

Full disclosure: The fine folks of the Biggest Loser Run/Walk provided me with a free entry into the Eau Claire race this weekend, in exchange for posting about my experience.

Lessons Learned

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m back on track. I’m making good choices, three days binge-free, working out everyday and making water, sleep, and me-time a priority.

I’ve always been someone who over-analyzes everything, so it should come as no surprise, then, that the last three, small days have taught me three huge lessons. For example…

1. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. I stopped exercising for maybe a month and I feel like I’m back at square one. Sure, I’ve run two 5K’s in that month, but wow. I’m out of shape! I went for a bike ride tonight and eight miles felt like 80. I don’t know how I did 26 miles easily just a few months ago. However, I did bike up a hill near my house that I’ve never made it up before. So, that’s something 🙂 No matter how small, add some form of movement to your day, every day. Don’t stop.
20131007_1739582. Sometimes a workout is your best form of therapy. I’ve been easing back into workouts this week, focusing not on going faster or pushing harder, but on simply appreciating the movement–appreciating the moment and my body’s ability. We’re in the middle of a streak of beautiful, warm fall days, so Monday I went for a five mile hike. Tonight, I went for a leisurely bike ride, with plenty of pit stops to consciously and purposely acknowledge the sunshine, the warm breeze, the quickly changing leaves.
IMG_20131007_21023520131007_171843IMG_20131007_205606Tuesday I got back to my beloved yoga practice. It was incredibly uncomfortable (especially since my new boyfriend, Mr. Hot and Ripped Yogi, plopped his mat down right  next to me in the mostly empty gym). But I went, and my newly re-inflated chest got in the way, and I noticed the struggle I felt in every pose, and I silently sobbed on my mat during shavasana…but I honored myself by going. And that felt awesome.

By the way, I’ve noticed that I yoga is highly emotional for me–I cry more on that pink rubber mat than I do at any other time in my waking life. Exercise is therapeutic, friends. Try it.

IMG_20131009_0709363. When you pay attention, even amongst the bleakest of circumstances, you’ll see love and beauty all around. My mom doesn’t usually call me…mostly because I call her so frequently that she doesn’t need to 🙂 But amidst her own hectic life, she’s made the effort to call me everyday this week to check-in because she knows I’ve been in a rough spot lately. It’s pretty awesome to know you’re loved like that.

Also awesome? Minnesota. I firmly believe that I live in one of the most beautiful states (and cities, for that matter), anywhere. Minnesota in the fall? You really can’t beat it. To have this sort of natural wonder right outside my door, and to get to enjoy it with all my inspiring, active Minny neighbors? Awesome.

IMG_20131007_20595320131009_18030920131007_170801Onward and upward, one day at a time, don’t stop ’til you get enough, keep on keeping on…all that good stuff. I got this.

Choo! Choo!

Once small, healthy decision at a time, I’m getting the train back on the track…

I don’t believe in celebrity diets, fads, cleanses, or detoxes, but hitting the reset button occasionally can be helpful, I think. I’ve noticed that when I eat junk, I crave junk–I’m constantly hungry for more junk. But when I eat good, I’m satisfied and I’m not hungry. Novel idea, right?

So, to help get me back in the no-junk-food mindset, I’m using my version of a juicing-smoothie-detox plan. A week of high fiber, high protein smoothies (which I make), full of healthy, whole foods. I don’t feel like I”m starving myself and I know exactly what I’m putting into my body, because I’m making it (important!). It’s similar to how I typically try to eat, limiting processed foods, bad carbs, and gluten, so it works well for me.
IMG_20130924_125035IMG_20130325_083101After running my last two 5K races in the same shoes I’ve had since I started this journey over a year and a half ago…I decided new kicks were in order! I did attempt to buy new running shoes a few months back, but I’ve since discovered the reason why they don’t work for me is because they’re too big! My feet have shrunk an entire shoe size. That’s some seriously unexpected weight loss…
IMG_20130929_172716Movement is such a struggle for me. It’s too easy to go home after work, grab some food, and Netflix the night away. Especially when you’re feeling hormonal or kinda blue. You forget how amazing you feel after a workout, even if it’s just a quick walk through the crunchy fall leaves.
IMG_20130923_130740My life has kinda fallen to pieces the past month. Every day brings a new unexpected challenge. I also haven’t been home much, and when I am, it’s only for a short time: I come in, make a mess, and leave. I feel so much more in control of my entire life if I know that my home is organized and clean.
IMG_20130825_100558Emotionally and physically, I am exhausted. Not sleeping well, not getting enough sleep, having no down time…this month has taken a toll on me. Life isn’t going to be slowing down anytime soon, so I’m taking my sleep where I can get it. Like, on my living room floor after a set of crunches while watching Breaking Bad. Yes, that happened.

A highlight of all this awfulness has truly been getting to spend more time with my family. It sounds bad, but all this sadness has brought us closer together and allowed us the luxury of each other’s company. I spent the past weekend decompressing and catching up on sleep at my parent’s house…and, naturally, getting a pedicure with my momma/best friend–she hates when I say that 🙂
20130928_101308After my last 5K race, my friend made a comment about the negative way I was speaking about myself. I’d made several comments about how horrible I am at running, how gigantic my body was/is, etc. I haven’t been feeling good about myself and the decisions I’m making, and it was bleeding out into my words. Uncontrollably. I’ve been focused on getting my mind right, getting back the positive spirit I seem to have temporarily misplaced, trying to find my happy all over again.

IMG_20130729_193951Action, no matter how big or small, adds up. Put one foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward. One healthy decision at a time.

Who Run The World?

tumblr_lophucDdlk1qltig3o1_500Girls, that’s who. Well, women. Anyway, Beyonce knows whats up. And so do the organizers of Women Run The Cities–the 5K race I did on Sunday. It’s seriously the best. Over 3,000 girls and women running on a cool, early fall morning along the Mississippi, while tons of people stand on the sidelines cheering everyone on. Including all those hot dads and boyfriends. Like I said, the best.
20130922_082656It was a sea of purple! I ran Women Run The Cities last fall. It was my first race. I remember the overwhelming anxiety and pride I felt that morning. I also remember promising myself that next year, I would run the entire race.
20130922_081848 561406_10103656626298520_1454735783_nYeah, well. That didn’t happen. Just like the Graniteman a few weeks ago, I came into this race completely unprepared. But unlike the Graniteman, this race felt amazing. I don’t even care that I didn’t run the full distance. I don’t even care that I barely PR’ed (took another 15 seconds off my time). I don’t even care that my time is still over 40 minutes and my friend, Stephanie, running her first race, did better than me.
20130922_094558I enjoyed the race. Let me repeat that: I enjoyed the race. I enjoyed the run, the scenery, the swag, my fellow runners/walkers, the weather, the hot Starbucks waiting for me at the finish…the whole dang thing. Weird, right?

20130922_09450120130922_09435220130922_094551I love that I’m still doing this. I stuck with this whole thang for over a year. I’m even having fun doing this: making myself uncomfortable, running in front of people, pushing myself physically and mentally. And as someone who has tried to lose weight over and over again, as someone who has never felt like they lived up to their potential or stuck with something they truly wanted long enough to see it through…to me, that commitment is greater than anything else. The faster times, the weight loss, the longer distances, the strength…that will all come eventually. As long as I stick with it.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I’ve been rather quiet the past few weeks, and if you know me beyond this blog, or follow me on social media, you know why: last weekend, my grandfather passed away unexpectedly. What started out as a fun and healthy family weekend has turned into a seemingly never ending collection of the longest, saddest days I’ve ever known. I could go on forever about my grandpa, the memories I have, the events of the past week…but frankly, I need a break. This is my first real brush with death, and I can say that in no way was I prepared for the overwhelming exhaustion, sadness, and complete lack of focus I’m experiencing.

My grandpa would absolutely not want me making a fuss over him, so instead, let me share with you all the highlights from last weekend…

Originally, I had plans to travel up the road a bit to St. Cloud (where the majority of my extended family lives) to run the Graniteman Race with my cousins. Friday night, I met up with one of said cousins to grab dinner and drinks at an adorable new(er) restaurant in town.

20130906_19435620130906_194348IMG_20130906_20554020130906_185957We chatted for hours while scarfing down some delish salmon and sweet potato fries, along with a couple cold beverages.
20130906_19165120130906_19123820130906_183639On the drive home, we stopped for froyo (obviously) and rocked out to Nsync—just like when we were younger 🙂 It was a perfect night.
20130906_200511However, I went to bed extremely anxious about the Saturday’s race. After some research, I began to realize that the Graniteman was more like a race for serious runners. Which I am so not. So, the nerves had kicked in big time.

When my alarm went off at 5am Saturday morning, I was horribly apprehensive, and doubting my decision to participate. I didn’t doubt that I could and would finish. No way. But I was absolutely terrified of being the very last person to finish. I mean, it has to be someone, right?
IMG_20130907_061317IMG_3582IMG_3584Well, we showed up, tried not to pass out from the ridiculous heat and humidity, got our race packets, extensively discussed how the field looked quite experienced (i.e. fast, i.e. Amanda, what are you doing?!), lined up for the 5K portion of the race and took off along the Mississippi.

As usual, I ignored my fellow racers and focused on myself. After the first mile or so, though, I looked up to see my cousin (who runs about a nine-minute mile) two people in front of me. I typically run a 14-15 minute mile, so this wasn’t good. I knew I couldn’t keep up that pace. I was already cramping and feeling nauseous.

Reluctantly, I slowed my pace and fell to the back half or so of the pack. But that didn’t ease the nausea or the cramping. I was feeling awful and seriously contemplating stopping, finding a medic, sitting in someone’s lawn sprinkler…something. About a mile and a half in, I threw up. I probably should have stopped at that point, but nope. I figured for as much anxiety and pressure as I put on myself, I was going to finish this damn race. I’m no quitter! 🙂

So that’s just what I did.
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The entire week before this race was an off week. I had been on vacation, I didn’t run, I only did yoga, and I didn’t make the best food choices. But in the back of my mind, I still wanted to PR.

I hustled my butt to the finish line best I could—the last few hundred feet were pure torture and I honestly thought I was going to have stop and walk across the finish line. With the announcer calling out my name and all those people, including my family, standing around cheering? That would have been complete embarrassment.IMG_20130907_235205I ran through the finish line and immediately started gagging. A boy about eight years old came up to me and asked if he could cut my timing chip from my shoe, and as he bent down to do so, I literally thought I was going to throw up on him. Good. Grief!

Thankfully, I held it for a few more seconds and made it to a trash can before I threw up for the second time. Yuck!

When I had finished being a total disaster, I grabbed some water and a banana, and sought out some shade. I immediately felt fine, and spent the rest of the morning proudly celebrating my PR (I cut three minutes!), cheering out my family and friends that did the 10K and half marathon, and watching my cousin and another friend win their age divisions for the 5K and 10K. And for the record? I was definitely not the only one with heat stroke-like symptoms.
IMG_3596IMG_3608IMG_3595Another race in the books! After all the festivities, we beelined it over to Starbucks for a caffeine boost before heading out to my grandparents to join the rest of the family for a cookout. As usual we spent the afternoon eating (healthy, mostly!) and really enjoying each other’s company.

The good, the bad, the success, and the failure…this past week has shown me the invincible strength, love, and power of family. With them, you can truly get through anything.
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Loathsome

The first thing I did when I started this blog was attempt to run. I wanted to be a runner. I’ve always envied those teeny girls just gracefully loping down the street in their cute outfits and colorful Nikes.

But running at 300+ pounds? Ah, yeah. No. More like shuffling my feet while wheezing, huffing and puffing, and generally jiggling about. It’s uncomfortable, to say the least.
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And as I’ve lost weight, it hasn’t become any easier. Sometimes it just plain hurts my body, or I can’t get my mind to stop focusing on how hard it is to breath. But mostly, running for me is difficult (probably) because I don’t do it consistently. For a few weeks, I’ll be determined to tackle it and breakthrough that barrier…but then I don’t make progress. I can’t jog more than eight minutes at a time. And so I move on. I go to Boot Camp, I take up cycling. I don’t run.  This summer, I’ve been focusing on just moving my body more consistently and trying new things, like my Yoga Challenge.

But then I go and I sign up for not one but three 5K races. THREE! I had a goal to run five races this year, and apparently, I’m actually going to accomplish that goal. Imagine that.
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The first race is in three weeks (holy geeze) and the second is the day after my birthday (wahoo!) in September. Thankfully the third is in January, so I have time, but…you guys! This sucks! I want to know: a) why can’t I just freakin’ run already? Plenty of heavier people do! Why can’t I? I used to be an athlete, I used to run all the time, and b) What was I thinking?!

I’ve done 5K’s before, this is true (see above). But I’m sick of being slow. I’m sick of watching my friends and family finish in, like, 26 minutes and then they have to wait around for my dragging butt to cross at least a good ten minutes later. It’s so obnoxious.

And I hate the pressure a race puts on you—or, really, the pressure you put on yourself because of a race. For me, the pressure cycle progresses as such:

  • I am determined to be a runner! I can do this!
  • I sign up for a race.
  • Said race starts to approach, so I start running.
  • I nearly pass out after a pathetic 3 minutes of “running” (I swear I walk faster than I run…is that possible?).
  • I get mad at myself for sucking so bad. Worst case scenario: I go on a classic two-week food binge and don’t move from in front of the TV.
  • Unconditioned, I hobble through the finish line: proud, but determined to do better next time.
  • I try to “do better,” fail, get frustrated…and the cycle repeats.

Seriously, I’m getting agitated and angry with myself just writing this…

I have nothing else to say on the topic other than I truly loathe running, I want to love it, and I’m going to keep trying to do just that. I’ll probably again get stuck in the above cycle at some point, but if it hasn’t defeated me over the past 18 months, it’s not gonna now. Eff that noise. I’ll beat it.