On Worth

I don’t suffer fools

I don’t tolerate bullshit

I don’t put up with drama

After spending so many years of life dependent on the thoughts, actions, and opinions of others

After spending so many years of life allowing others to control and dictate my behaviors, reactions, my weight

No more

I see value in myself, my thoughts, my beliefs, my ideas, and my movements

In myself

As a whole person

More and more each day

Your condescension, your power trip, your judgement does not define who and what I am

I make that call

I decide those decisions

I am worth it

Each day

Every day

I am worthy

Change

Change is a funny, funny business. We spend our lives in constant flux, endlessly trying to become that idealized and imaginary version of our Best Self.  We primp, and spend, and read up, and try. And then someone informs us that people can’t change. We are who we are and there’s no deviating.

A few months ago, someone very close to me told me that I hadn’t changed at all. That, despite the past two years, during which I lost 80 pounds, came to a general positive acceptance of my body, felt more confidence in myself than ever before, and was genuinely happy…despite all that I was still the same person I was before I started down this path.

Now, this was said during an argument and, I assume, meant to hurt me. So I took it with a grain of salt. But that comment did hurt. It sliced like a knife, straight through to my core. It devastated me. And it’s stuck with me throughout these past few months when I’ve struggled to retain who I thought was the “new and improved” version of me. The changed woman I thought I had become.

Every time I skip a workout, every time I binge, every time I get stuck in my head, feeling nearly worthless and doomed to repeat this disordered cycle of eating for the rest of my life…I think of that comment.

You haven’t changed at all.

Change is real. Change is possible. This much I know to be true. I can’t explain my life’s journey over the past few years without the concept of change.

I think that what I’ve learned while obsessing and analyzing and generally falling apart these past few months is that the opinions and thoughts of others shouldn’t influence me. I shouldn’t hesitate in what I’m doing simply because someone else can’t see or feel my progress. Easier said than done, I know, but this is what I need to remember in those darker moments. That I am changed. Who I was is not who I am. And I don’t have to explain or justify that to anyone.

Starting Over. Again.

I’ve been debating my return to this blog for awhile now. Since I stopped some nine months ago, life has changed rather dramatically: I have a new job that I’m passionate about, a beautiful new home, and I’m more content than ever with my social life. On the other hand, I’ve dealt with a family member’s health scare, removed a so-very-toxic relationship from my life, started and stopped therapy for an eating disorder, and, oh yeah, gained back about 50 pounds.

Fifty. Five-oh. 50 pounds. 

That’s been more than a little difficult to accept. But besides grimacing as my pants became harder and harder to pull on, or watching my face and stomach become rounder and rounder, I didn’t quite realize how this slide back into disease was destroying literally everything I’d built over the past few years. All my confidence, my happiness, my ability to feel comfortable in my own skin, moving through the world…gone. I’m back to Old Amanda: struggling to make eye-contact, obsessing about my looks, tired, frustrated, and worst of all, meek.

I don’t like this girl. I, in fact, despise her and wish her dead. And what kills me is that I thought I had destroyed her. I thought that, even though my weight loss was stagnant, that I was in treatment for an eating disorder, that I was so far from where I wanted to be…I thought she was gone.

I am left here to start over, feeling like the past three years have been a waste. And now I’m firmly in my 30’s and just as far from where I want to be as ever.

I guess the one saving grace in all of this, the one thing I remain proud of, is the fact that I’m not giving up. I know how strong I once was, how happy and completely in love with my life I was, and I know I can get there again. Because there is no other option and because I deeply, deeply miss it.

“Remember why you started.” And now, let’s finish.

Ready

I’m going to blow past the fact that I haven’t posted here for over two months and just jump right into what’s been happening, okay? Okay.

I haven’t felt particularly inspired to post lately, and I haven’t really had the time. I’ve been too busy working, worrying, dating (!!), and more importantly, living. My weight has stayed steady. I’ve made healthful food choices, but I’ve also indulged. Probably more than I should. I’ve been doing a lot of yoga. Like, a lot. And getting back into running. I’ve been taking more time for myself and clocking more hours at work. Basically, what I’ve been doing, is working to find balance.
Earlier this week, I started services at The Emily Program. In my initial conversation with one of the therapists, we talked a lot about my preoccupation with losing weight, body image, exercise and food. She asked me, “How much of your day do you think you spend thinking about this stuff? Honestly?” I gave it some thought and, if I’m being completely honest, a good 90% of my thoughts revolve around:

• How my hair/makeup/outfit/fat rolls look at any given moment.
• What my next meal will be and when I will eat it.
• When my next chance to workout is.
• How to schedule unexpected social and work obligations around my meal/workout schedule.
• If I’m having a particularly weak day, how soon I can leave work and binge and what foods that binge will consist of.

After re-reading my last post, I think this is borderline obsession is something I’ve sub-consciously been aware of, and frustrated by, for awhile. And it’s probably why I’ve been shying away from blogging. I don’t want a life all consumed by being A Person Trying To Lose Weight. It’s frustrating and it’s unsatisfying. I fully understand that it needs to be a major piece of my life, but there can, and absolutely needs to be, a measure of balance and flexibility as well.

Speaking of The Emily Program, at my appointment this week I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. I mean, obviously it’s not a surprise, but still. I can’t help but feel that it’s yet another huge obstacle I have to overcome on this freaking never ending journey. But, on the flip side, I’m incredibly proud and grateful that I chose to formally address this issue and take steps to fix it.
They  say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right?

That thought flooded my mind earlier this week at my intake assessment, as I filled out form after form, test after test, and shared very personal information during  an incredibly, horribly uncomfortable conversation with the intake therapist.

We were having a pleasant, happy conversation, going through my background (how’s your relationship with your family, what are your hobbies, what do you do for a living) and suddenly she comes at me with this gem:

What does a typical binge look like for you?

An eating disorder, like any other substance abuse problem, is something typically done in secret. I’ve become an expert at hiding my eating from friends and family. I’ve never shared my dirty little tricks, habits, or menus with anyone.

To sit down with someone and walk them through my eating rituals, step-by-step, bite-by-bite…well, it felt like I was confessing to heinous murder. I was waiting for the Law & Order detectives to walk through the door and arrest me.

My anxiety soared. But, like with most difficult things, the more I talked about the problem, the better I started to feel. The more in control I started to feel.

I have an appointment next week to discuss my treatment plan going forward. And I can’t wait to dig into all this new uncomfortable stuff 🙂
And finally, speaking of uncomfortable, I picked up my bridesmaid’s dress for the wedding I’m in this fall. Let’s just say, I’m not entirely comfortable in it. So, Operation Bridesmaid is now in full force. I’m going to do my damnedest to get back on a consistent workout schedule and mostly Whole 30-type eating plan. I have set some great balanced goals for the summer (which I’ll share in an upcoming post), so it’s time to get going.

I am ready.

The Struggle Is Real

We rise, we fall. And, hopefully, we’re strong enough to rise again. Over and over. This is life.

After 30-some successful days–really, my most successful healthy days ever–I now find myself fallen. Again. The struggle is very real, my friends.

The tip of the iceberg, this small piece of chocolate unleashed a torrent of self-doubt, self-hatred…all the usual suspects. And this time, loneliness. I absolutely do not say this to welcome pity, but lately I’ve been feeling very alone. Very stuck in this life that is all-consumed by rigid schedule: what you eat and when, how you workout and when, sleep, work. I’m tired of it, I’m frustrated by it, I want the life others seem to have so effortlessly.
And then, today, for whatever reason, it all seemed to click. A blogger whose journey to a healthy, balanced life I’ve been following for awhile now posted the following:

…I also know that for the rest of my life, healthiness will need to be a priority…Other people have to focus on their recovery every day for the rest of their life, whether it be drugs or alcohol. Other people have to focus the rest of their life on managing their diabetes or heart disease. For me, every day, I need to focus on my healthy.

My focus is not allowed to slip. When it slips, weeks like this happen. And then weeks turn into months, into years, into an entire lifetime. While I need to work on ways to incorporate balance into my focus, it cannot waver. I cannot relax or indulge. My focus must remain…focused.

To that end, I took a big step this afternoon: I asked for help.

The rise and the fall will always be part of my life. Every day I have to make the conscious choice to focus on the rise, face my addiction, choose healthfully. And though I’ve been afraid to admit it, I know deep down all of that will be more manageable if I have help. If I have the tools to be successful and the support to encourage.  

So, for now I will heed the advice of a friend to acknowledge the past few days for what they are and then let them go. I will get a good night’s sleep, and try to make better decisions, to be stronger, tomorrow. Fall, then rise.

Always rise.

Creamy Tomato Soup

This bad boy was my favorite discovery of my Whole30. In fact, I love it so much that I’ve made a batch of it every week for the past five weeks. No joke, it’s that good. And that easy–which is extremely helpful when you’re diving into a completely new way of eating and looking for anything familiar to cling to 🙂

Easy, delicious, and versatile. The inspiration recipe here is pretty basic, but I’ve given it a bit of zhoozh each week by adding extra veggies, different proteins, more/less balsamic, different herbs, etc. You can literally do anything to the basic recipe and it will remain amazing. You can even eat it cold (gazpacho, anyone?) and I bet it would serve as a great marinara over some zucchini noodles…or pasta, if you eat that stuff, you lucky bastard.

Oh, and finally, don’t fear the coconut milk here–used as the “cream” in this creamy tomato soup. It will not add a coconut flavor to your soup, you will not notice it’s presence other than the delightful silkiness it adds to the dish.
(via)

Ingredients
2 tablespoons oil or cooking fat of choice
1 large yellow onion, peeled and chopped
4 large carrots, peeled and chopped
4 large stalks of celery, chopped
4 cloves garlic, peeled and coarsely chopped
1 28-ounce can crushed, diced or whole peeled tomatoes
1-1⁄2 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock if making vegetarian)
1 13.5-ounce can unsweetened coconut milk
2 tablespoons minced fresh basil (or 1 tablespoon dried basil), plus more for garnish if desired
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar

Instructions

• In a large soup pot that is already hot, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the onions, carrots, and celery, and sauté until softened. Stir in the garlic and sauté for 1 minute more.
• Mix in the remaining ingredients, and simmer for at least 5 to 10 minutes to allow the flavors to meld.
• Carefully pour a cup or two of the soup mixture into a blender (until it is only halfway full) and puree until smooth. Remove to a separate soup pot or container, and repeat with the remaining soup mixture, working in batches. Alternatively, you can use an immersion blender to puree the soup mixture—or you can skip blending and enjoy the chunky texture of the soup.
• Serve hot (or cold!), topped with some minced basil for garnish.

Whole30 Reintroduction: Sugar and Dairy

Well, I’ll be keeping this post brief because I think I have to. Post-Whole30, I’m down another five or so pounds, at my lowest weight since beginning this journey! Awesome! I’ve also spent the past few days doing the reintroduction phase of Whole30, and so far, there have been no problems. Until today…

The sugar reintroduction went fine–no physical reactions, though I learned that my palate is very sensitive to the artificial after taste of it. I tried my old favorite coffee creamer first thing on day 31, and had to pour the majority of the coffee out because it was so sweet. I’m definitely going to limit my sugar intake going forward!

Dairy, however, has been a different story. Woah, boy! Today I had goat cheese in my eggs for breakfast, and Greek yogurt with salsa atop my chicken breast for dinner. I felt uncomfortably bloated after breakfast, and now, after eating dinner…Well, let’s just say there are some rather unfortunate digestive  issues happening. No bueno. It looks like dairy will be out for the long haul!

This week, it’s on to legumes and non-gluten containing grains and carbs (for me, that’s brown rice and tortilla chips). And, being completely honest, after that, it’s probably back to a fairly by-the-book Whole30/paleo diet for me for good. Don’t fix what isn’t broke!

Whole30 Update 6: The End Is Near…Or Is It?

Well, that’s that. My first Whole30 is technically in the books. Why technically?

Because as I’ve been trying to figure out how to navigate the recommended reintroduction phase, I’ve become more and more apprehensive about going back to old habits–habits or foods, really, that I know were not conducive to my health and, (at this point) more importantly, my weight loss.

I have had some huge Whole30 milestones. For example, in the past 30 days: 

• I’ve lost 23 pounds. Day 1 I weighed 335, this morning I clocked in at 312.
• The inches have been melting off and I’m seeing new muscle definition (I’m kicking myself for not taking measurements on Day 1!)
• I usually have crazy high energy
• Workouts are much stronger
• My mood feels much more stable
• My skin is clearing up (for the most part)
• Best of all, I don’t feel the urge to binge. Like, at all. I had a frustrating day at work on Monday and it didn’t even occur to me that I should soothe my soul with a stop at the drive-through. My brain instinctively knew it needed to workout.

So, why would I give all that up now just to enjoy a few bites of non-compliant food? 

I did decide that I would follow a revised reintroduction plan, testing a handful of foods that I “miss” or that would make life more convenient/delicious. I posted about this a bit in a previous update, but here’s my official test list:
The way reintroduction works is you pick one of the four groupings (for me they are sugar, dairy, gluten-free grains, and legumes), and test each for a day, eating something from that group with each meal. Then you go back to strict Whole30 for two days to see how it affects you. I’m going to be testing each group, but if I don’t notice any odd reactions, I may only wait a day or not at all before testing the next group. I’m also not even entertaining the idea of bringing gluten back. That’s gone for good.

Day 31, today, I’m testing sugar and artificial sugars. My new version of junk food. I had sugar-free creamer in my coffee this morning, sugar-free syrup on my two-ingredient pancake (two eggs, a mashed banana, SO delicious!), and I’ll be eating sugar-free balsamic vinaigrette on my salad at lunch and turkey bacon with supper.
I tried the creamer in my coffee this morning–the recommended serving size of 1 tablespoon…and had to dump it out after maybe half a cup. It was so incredibly and artificially sweet. The taste is still in my mouth now, a few hours after the fact. Yuck. So, no, coffee creamer will not be going back in my diet.
The syrup on my pancake was also sweeter than I expected, so I think I’m going to ditch the fake stuff and “invest” in some genuine maple syrup. And I’m expecting similar results from the two remaining foods. I don’t know if any of these items will be going back into regular rotation. In fact, at this point, I highly doubt they will. Sugar is in everything, but I’m going to do my damnedest to avoid it.

Tomorrow or Friday I will be testing dairy: goat cheese and Greek yogurt, maybe some froyo. Probably not, but maybe. But again, if it doesn’t work for me, it won’t be coming back. I’m not about to sacrifice this progress, not when I’m seeing such amazing outcomes.

Everything finally feels like it’s clicking again. I feel in control, I feel strong. I feel like I’m once again Manda Kay, making it. 

Whole30 Update 5: Home Stretch

Today, day 22, marks my full last week of my very first Whole30. And I can’t decide how to feel about that…

I’ve been doing, looking, and, most importantly, feeling great. Tired, but great (I blame daylight savings). I cheated and weighed myself this weekend (20 pounds in 20 days!), clothes that were tight are lose, and while my workouts have been somewhat lacking, my food has been spot on. I went back to some familiar meals this week simply because of my busy schedule. I’ll be eating fish with homemade tartar sauce, eggs and smoothies for breakfast, sweet potato fries, vegetable soup, and the world’s most delicious pot roast.
All positive aspects aside, though, the anxiety of “what happens after the 30 days?” has slowly but surely begun creeping in. What does happen after day 30? What am I going to reintroduce to my diet? What will I test first? Will I gain weight back? What if I start to plateau again? These are the questions that have been clouding the sense of accomplishment I should be feeling for making it most of the way through this battle.

Anxieties aside, I do need to be smart about day 31, 32, 33, and on and on. I obviously want to continue this amazing success, so I need to figure out what it is about the Whole 30 that has been so helpful and positive, and build on that.

So! Starting Day 31, I will:

1. Remain gluten-free. As I’ve mentioned here before, a lot of popular opinion points to a connection between PCOS, consumption of gluten, and stalled weight loss. So, gluten-free I will be. Though, for my sanity, I will be occasionally incorporating gluten-free bread (slathered in peanut butter, obviously) and gluten-free flours into my life. Expensive, sure, but if it helps my weight loss…

2. Test dairy. I miss my Greek yogurt. And goat cheese. And freaking ice cream. So, I’m going to slowly test/reintroduce dairy to my diet. I’m giving up flavored yogurt for good (too much sugar), and I’m going to test plain Greek yogurt—mostly because I need breakfast options. More eggs = death. Also, while not technically dairy (or anything else, really) I will be bringing back my fakey fake coffee creamer on a trial basis.

3. Eat legumes! Legumes are, apparently, inflammatory. You know the saying, beans, beans, the musical fruit…legumes can cause bloating, gas, etc. but I love ‘em. So, in moderation, I’ll begin eating beans (only black beans) and peanut butter (natural, no sugar). If I notice any sort of adverse reaction after eating them…well, then…I don’t know what I’ll do. I just love peanut butter, you guys.

4. Drink in moderation. Being sober and being social are, frankly, the worst. On special occasions (Tuesdays? Arbor Day?), I will imbibe with a delicious gluten-free vodka soda with lime. Maybe a glass of red wine here and there. It’s going to happen and I’m 100% okay with it. Especially since I’m going to try and start dating very, very soon.

5. Explore new ideas. I recently discovered I love roasted carrots—who knew?! I want to continue to play with new recipes and foods, while continuing to eat as few processed goods as possible. Especially now that I’m going gluten and (mostly) dairy free, things could get real interesting in my little kitchen…
As of right now, that’s my plan of attack for my post-Whole 30 life. I’ve also got a doctor’s appointment scheduled to check-in and update some test results. All in all, I think I’m making progress. Let’s just keep fingers crossed that it continues!

Whole30 Update 4: Halfway Point

As of today, I am officially at the halfway point of my first Whole30 journey…and I can’t wait to wrap up the second half. I am so over this. Don’t get me wrong: other than feeling so incredibly bloated today (thanks to a lovely combo of my lady friend and the astoundingly accurate Whole30 timeline), I am still loving the results I’m seeing and feeling. I feel in control of my eating and my cravings, and that’s (obviously) not something I’m usually good at. But I’ve grown tired of having to be so careful and restrictive. No worries–it’s only two more weeks. I can do this.

How do I know? Well, let me tell you a little story from this past weekend. On Saturday, where I danced soberly for the first time in my adult life (Change! Positive body image!), I went to a wedding where the following was placed in front of my face:
Now, I had come to the wedding prepared: I ate beforehand, brought a healthy snack for during the meal, and even, sadly, ate the salad sans dressing. I guzzled water all afternoon and for the rest of the night. But when this, and the subsequent cupcake, was placed in front of me on the table, I nearly lost it. I got anxious. My foot started tapping and I felt like I couldn’t sit still. I watched intently as my tablemates cut into the chicken and buttered their warm dinner rolls.

It was rough–rougher than rough–but I got through it. I also got through the following day with the temptation of my grandma’s cooking and the sinful breakfast my family devoured in front of me (how dare they!), and then I came home and meal prepped for the week.
Yes, I’m sick of restricting myself so intensely, but…I’m not finding it exceptionally difficult. That intense craving has finally passed. I’m not really craving the foods I “can’t” have…well, except peanut butter. I’d give up my first born for a tablespoon of peanut butter right now. But I digress. I’m feeling in control. I may have had a very vivid dream about binging on Friday night, but the fact of the matter is that I’m 15 days binge free. Huge.

I’m looking forward to seeing what battles and challenges the next 15 days help me overcome.

In little moments, day by day, change is possible. Strength is possible.